July 15, 2016

It’s not that I don’t want to live without him, it’s more that I don’t want to live when he’s dead. All I want is for him to not be dead.

I treated myself to a massage today. My massage therapist is a very good witch. So intuitive and wise and seeing. On her table, I said, “I can’t leave the moment Jared said that horrible sentence and I was on the hotel room floor wailing, “Oh my god oh my god oh my god” over and over and over again. She said, “Two things. First, let’s look at your language. ‘I can’t leave.’ Instead, say, ‘I can leave…’”

“Second, add something to that moment, something beautiful.”

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I was able to do the first easily. The second was blocked for a little while. Then I knew what it was. I had felt like there was something else J said on that call, another part, but of course that’s all be really said. So now, what Jared said to me on the phone is, “Rupert was killed in a motorcycle accident, and he was the happiest he’d ever been in his life because of the two of you.”

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I’m still suffering, and he’s still gone, but I AM able to leave that moment. I AM able to leave that moment. I am.

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