July 23, 2016

griefIt’s 2 am and the grief welleth over.

This hurts deep down in my soul. I can barely see the screen through my tears. I over did it today. After the run to Home Depot and the gifted facial, I spent hours in the garden planting his memorial. I even opened his box of ashes and, using a shot glass, sprinkled a bit of his ashes in the dirt before we put the plants in. Holy shit that was hard. There was the remains of the body I made love with, I talked with, I slept next to, I loved with all my heart and my head. For one amazing year. One. Then I somehow showered and put on a sexy outfit and makeup (mascara!) and went to a huge surprise birthday party. I wore his hat with the mask and the clown nose.

It was interesting seeing people react to my presence. So many amazing hugs and statements of love and sorrow and compassion. And then there were the few that saw me, smiled uncomfortably, and kept walking. Thanks, life, another chance to see who my friends are. Just what I needed. Fuck you.

Well, now I know my limit. I hit it today and kept going. Time to take it back a notch or six.

Rupert and I were running full steam ahead at 100%. Suddenly, it didn’t drop to 50%, I hit a dead stop. No pun intended. Just him, on his bike, whatever happened, and he bit that tree and died. And I wasn’t slowed by 50%. My life came to a standstill. I need to put it in first gear before I can get to second.

Maybe I’ll spend tomorrow in my jammies. Or maybe I’ll just go to the woods and walk. Whatever it is, I’ll be in first gear.

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