July 25, 2016

ChestPainMeanwhile, back on the Venice hotel room floor…

Jared and I talked about that moment. It forever changed his life too. I am so grateful to him for being so fucking brave and doing it, knowing he was telling me life changing, devastating, unspeakable news. He spoke it so fast, and somehow I already knew what I was about to hear. No delivered stamp on my texts to Rupert all day, and then the three of them calling with bad news, and where was Rupert when the bad news came? Where is Rupert? WHERE IS RUPERT??? Of course he would be there with them calling me, or he would be the bad news.

I keep having sharp pains of grief. I hate being sad all the time. And yet, I haven’t had a meltdown today. I haven’t cried. I think I got home about now, three weeks ago, to a warm and music filled house with loving and sad friends. Nearly two dozen people in my home to hug me. The most amazing welcome home for the most horrible reason of reasons.

I think some acceptance is starting to seep in. I know he’s not coming back. I know I won’t ever hear his voice again, feel him sleeping next to me. I am not okay with it, and I have a long sliver of grief that runs from my belly to my chest, but I know it to be true.

Knowing it hurts.

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