August 18, 2016

My grief is tremendous but my love is bigger. Sugar

I’ve always had an anxious attachment style. Never trusting, always worrying. But not with Rupert. From the get go, when we were still just friends with benefits and I was having big feelings and unsure about how or if to tell him, I still trusted him. He’d be there. He’d always respond to me positively. He’d message me at odd times, and I’d respond just as quickly and positively. The only time I was ever anxious was the day he was dead and I didn’t yet know. I felt anxious and worried and confused for hours. And then I leaned that he had left me in the biggest way. He’s gone forever. I was right to worry that day. I was wrong to worry the other days, with the other lovers. I won’t attach anxiously again, because now I know what it’s like to attach in a healthy, mutual, loving way. I know I’ll love again; its who I am. I love men, I’m open to sex and relationships and I fall easily. (It doesn’t, it wont, it can’t change my love for Rupert). But now I have this amazing lesson under my belt. I’ve learned what it is to love in a healthy way, and how different it feels and why would I ever go back?
It will take some time till I’m ready to date again. When I do, I’ll know that old feeling if it occurs. I won’t stick around for anything less than the healthy relationship I lost to death.

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