September 15, 2016

Hard day 

Heart collecting bag, designed by Xazi

Note: this post includes photos of the heart collecting bag I brought to Burning Man. Gratitude to everyone who gave me a heart 💚

Today started out terrible and hasn’t improved. I’m upset because I’ve been doing better and didn’t want to backslide. I keep reminding myself it isn’t a backslide, it’s a wave. A big, challenging wave of grief. This too shall pass.

Heart collecting bag, designed by Xazi
I fell asleep missing him last night. I could see him in my mind’s eye. I could hear his voice, his laughter. I was reminded of the morning he put on a t-shirt that said, COLLEGE, and a sunhat with a clown nose taped to the front. We were spending the day on a boat with my parents and my kids. I loved his no fucks to give playfulness. 

I woke up to a text message with pictures of his cremains in neat little baggies next to pretty urns. I put the phone back on the nightstand and looked up at the sunhat with the clown nose taped on it, hanging from the wall amidst other mementos to the dead in my life. That’s when the tears started rolling down my face quickly, chasing each other as if they had an important destination. 

I haven’t had a day of grief in bed in a few weeks, maybe more. Time is so weird right now That it’s hard to say.

The beautiful hearts collected at Burning Man 2016

My housemate drove my daughter to school. Poor little girl loved Rupert so and had to see her Moma (recently changed from Momma and pronounced like the museum. I love it) unable to get out of bed, overtaken by grief. Once in the car, Tex asked her about Halloween, and he told me she was happy by the time they reached school. 

Tex had another bit of advice for me. It’s so obvious now that he has pointed it out. Don’t let someone else’s 3am message affect your entire day. Put on headphones and listen to positive affirmations first thing. Get up and get moving and get truly AWAKE before looking at texts and Facebook and email and all the other things constantly being hurled our way. 

Heart box I found at the Temple 2016 the morning afternthe burn full of ashes

I’ve long since had a last call for social media, which I occasionally ignore but when I follow it, I sleep better. My head is clearer. I had never considered a first call, a doors are locked until we are damn ready to receive our first customers. 

I feel like I’m not enough of a hippie to listen to affirmations all morning. But then, I’ve always shied away from labels. Why should this be any different? Why would I allow a label to keep me from setting my day up in a positive way? I need to be strong to handle the things that trigger me. I’m still in love with someone who is dead. I should and will do anything I can do to prepare and strengthen myself for the day ahead. 

Readers, what suggestions do you have for me?

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