November 6, 2016

I went to a wedding tonight. I’ve actually been to many events like this, where it’s not a legal, government sanctioned wedding. Where the bride and groom have shared bits of fabric so they have a piece of each other in the handmade outfits. Where the officiant is wearing a bunny onesie and there are a dozen or so colorful “klowns” in the audience, myself included. 

What happened to me there is a different story. This was a first. While running around dressed as a klown saying hi to my friends, many of whom I’ve known going on 20 years, a woman I recognized but couldn’t place or name said she had a lovely story to tell me about Rupert. My dead partner. I was triggered and said later, sure. A while later, she took me by the hands and sat me down. She faced me and held my hands as she talked. She talked about not fitting in with her camp at Tipsy, about how the group she landed with – mine and Rupert’s friends – was too full and she was there accidentally and couldn’t connect with anyone. (A friend who camped there said she wasn’t making an effort to connect and was totally boring). I was in Europe. Rupert arrived at Tipsy a couple days after she did, and he was kind and fed her. She had mdma and said she was looking for someone to take it with. He told her he would love to, but that he had a partner, me, Absinthia, and we had an agreement that they could kiss and snuggle but no more. She agreed, and they popped the pills. She curled up next to him in Ludwig, our van, and fell asleep. In the morning, they kissed a bit and then she left. 

We had no such agreement. He was way more monogamous than me, and this seems so out of character. He never mentioned it. Said the weekend was hot and a lot of work and was glad it was over. Had hoped for more time to chill and drink beer. 

Not that he lied to some random about an agreement he and I had. Nope, he sure never mentioned that at all. And who knows, maybe he would have? Maybe we’d have discussed it in person and worked through it. Maybe i would have called him a hypocrite and a liar and kicked his ass out. WHO KNOWS???? I never will because he’s been fucking dead for four months!

Tomorrow is his birthday and I’ve canceled the dinner party I had arranged. I can’t celebrate his birthday. Perhaps in time I’ll process this and forgive and forget and he’s dead anyway. Then I’ll move on from this update and feel the love i have for him. 

Right now I’m just pissed. 

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