November 16, 2016

I felt the strangest emotion this morning. 

It took a while, but eventually I recognized it. 

Things have been going well in both my personal and professional life. I’m dating – I’m in an open, long distance relationship with a wonderful man who likes the sound of my laugh. A couple things are possibly maybe budding here, too. My friendships are stronger than ever. I’ve learned how to be single again and do things like go away for the weekend alone. I’m motivated to act because of the election. I’m about to close a business deal I’ve been working on for a year. I’m close to entirely overcoming a two year long challenge in my life. I’ve hit my goal weight. I’ve started grad school and, while it’s really challenging, I’m enjoying it. It’s expanding my brain already. 

I spent July and August grieving. It was HARD. Then I went to Burning Man and made an important, conscious transition.  I couldn’t go on like I had been. I changed my diet, and I stopped drinking alcohol. I started exercising. I started antidepressants. I eventually got to a place where I didn’t have to work so hard to get dressed and leave the house. I started to think about work and dating. I focused on being a good mom. 

We’re now halfway through November, and today I felt real happiness. Of course, Rupert’s still in my heart and always will be. I wish he was here with me. My grief sisters’ words are now a part of me – Rupert is gone and never coming back. I’ve accepted this hardest truth in my head and my heart. I’ve worked really hard. 

Today, I am happy. 

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