Gah. I went to a couple of day parties today, and a friend asked if I had blogged in a while. I told him I hadn’t, that what I’d written had been used to hurt me, and I was hesitant to go back. This began a long and interesting conversation about money, family, aging, power, control, how family ancestry can create fear, and the narrow window of happiness money brings. He was very sympathetic and kind.
Then I got in my car and cried. I miss Rupert so much. I haven’t cried in a while. Maybe that has to do with being off my antidepressants for a month. Maybe it’s because life feels like it has gone sideways. I feel strong and focused, but nothing is quite right yet. It’ll all take some time.
I saw the Katherine Hepburn quote on Instagram earlier and it really resonated. Life is difficult. Dreadful things have happened. In a six month period, I lost my partner, my parents, and my money. The money enabled me to be available for my daughter who lives with me all but every other weekend, focus on my two start ups, attend grad school, and live a comfortable life. With that financial stability gone, I am moving on, and I am being tough with myself and I won’t let myself be defeated. I’m going to not only survive, but thrive. I know life will come back together. It has before and it will again. I have everything I need already. I don’t need to add to my life, I need to work with what is here and expand it. I have a wonderful, honest, loving relationship with both my kids. I have the most amazing group of friends. I have a sweet, supportive friend & lover. My business partner is the best. My relationship with my siblings is getting stronger. I’m working hard to stay in school and get good grades. I have financial aid coming through soon. I have contract work starting this week, and I’m planning to start driving for Lyft again. I have contacts helping me envision my businesses at the next level and to obtain financing to grow. I’m being careful with whom I let into my life and trust, and I feel like I am making excellent choices.
I know that whatever happens to my heart, it can’t be as bad as Rupert’s death. I feel like I can handle anything that comes my way now; nothing will heart like that. Wow, I meant to write hurt but I’m leaving the hearttypo. Nothing will hurt like that. That life changing event took all the fucks in my bucket and washed them out to sea, never to be seen again. I’m focused on letting other people be themselves in their own world. I’m focused on Absinthia being Absinthia in Absinthia’s world. I listen to my committee, that is, my group of close friends I call on when making decisions. I only care what other people think if it will in some way hurt them. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I hold secrets – mine and others – close and secure.
Sometimes it all hurts so much, and yet I am moving along, getting on with it, and being tough with myself and making a deadly effort to thrive.
Thank you, today, for allowing me to cry and be sad. I release those feelings and will work towards my goal to thrive tomorrow.