February 21, 2017

I have abandonment issues now. If I had them before, which is a possibility though not a certainty, I have them now. 

And they are unproven and unworthy of my heart. 

I’m usually the one to call it quits on a relationship. It doesn’t mean it’s easy or even what I want. It doesn’t mean I’m heartless or uncaring. It can have that stigma, especially, it’s been pointed out to me, if it’s typically me that does it. I think it means that I’m actually the unhappy person that can’t take anymore. I think the person who walks away first carries more feelings. They’re unhappy enough to do something about it. 

Obviously, neither Rupert nor I chose to walk away. We weren’t expecting to. I’d never fully felt that way, except perhaps the first few years of my marriage. So when Rupert died, it makes sense that I felt abandoned. There was no blame. Perhaps the hardest part was knowing how much he wanted to be alive. But he wasn’t. I was alone. And I felt like I’d always be alone. 

I haven’t been and I’m not. I’ve lost a lot this year, but I’ve never been alone. I have my children around me, my community though that has faded some with time, naturally, and I have my two amazing housemates. 

What has surprised me in all this, is the romantic love in my life. I don’t remember this but I told Rupert’s brother I’d never love again. He told me that while I was in Australia visiting the lover I’d met seven weeks after his death. 

I ended that relationship last weekend. I was single for five days. My new lover is buying me event tickets, and texting me for no reason. It’s so lovely!

I’m recognizing my abandonment issues developed from Rupert’s death. Writing it out I can see I have no need to worry about being alone. I don’t know if I’ll love again the way I did with him, but I do need to let go of the fear of loneliness and abandonment. If it was going to happen, it would have by now. Instead, I have a friend to walk with tonight and another making me dinner, and a hot date to look forward to this weekend. 

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