October 18, 2017

Wow it’s been a while since I’ve been here. A while since I’ve felt like a hot grieving milf. I’m lonely. It’s hard. His birthday is coming up. Friends feel distant. My kids, too, though tonight was the first night my younger daughter has felt like her sweet, happy self in a while. Thankful for that!

It took me a while to log in. I’m tired and lost my train of thought. I’ll leave this her anyway. Maybe I’ll blog more for a while. My grandmother died. My last grandparent. No one liked her. She was angry and mean and alienated half the family. It’s very sad.

I’m so thrilled with my business. I’m being so supported and everyone wants to help and is cheering me on. It’s hard and it’s scary and it is so lonely being an entrepreneur. That came up at the angel pitch I attended yesterday. Maybe I would be happier in an office with people around. I do love my freedom and driving around meeting new people in their shops and restaurants though.

Whole Foods summit tomorrow. And my last final. No school for ten days.

I cant believe it’s almost his birthday. Again. The second one. We only spent one together. I’ll never understand.

November 12, 2016

Thank you, Rupert. 

I have this amazing camper van (Beethoven) that takes me and my dog away anytime we want. (He may even take the skinheads bowling!)

Goddamit, Rupert. 

You should be with us. 

I knew I needed to find a way to sit still this weekend. Even if it took 7 hours of driving to get here. It was worth it. All this travel and school and work and parenting has worn me out. I’m exhausted. 

It’s Saturday night. I’m free till Monday evening. I’m in no hurry. I’ve got all my homework with me, and I’d like to get ahead. I think tomorrow should be quiet time for reading and watching the learning videos. I’ll enjoy the waters of both Fly Ranch and Will & Crimson’s Gerlach home. A friend may join for Fly Ranch, but other than that, I intend to get all my schoolwork for the week done so that I can just review before meetings. 

Here’s a list of some of the amazing things I’ve done in the last 24 hours:

I slept in a redwood forest. 

I ate steak and eggs overlooking Lake Tahoe. 

I swam in Fly Hot Springs under rainbows fading in and out of the clouds. 

I vaped California kindest by the light of the super moon

I walked the labyrinth made by my friends and embraced my stories and set them free, and only then did I see that love is everywhere. 

I was treated to a pork chop and applesauce dinner at Bruno’s

I soaked in a hot tub shoulder deep. 

I sweat in a sauna. 

I did a fuckton of schoolwork. 

I realized Ludwig and Cohiba are ready to hit the road anytime. This was easy and almost free. 

I am enough. I AM enough. I AM ENOUGH. 

As much as life throws us all a bunch of crap more often than we’d like, I STILL believe in magic.

November 9, 2016

It’s Election Day in America, and I’ve just cast my vote for a woman for president and to legalize cannibas. I never thought I’d see the day. 

My thoughts lie elsewhere. I’ve been victimized, and I’m coming to terms with it. Yesterday’s post was about my anger and confusion of not being able to process the story a woman told me about her interaction with my now deceased partner just a week before he died. Because of what she told me, in the sweetest way of holding my hands and sitting with our knees touching and leaning in to me, I was confused and angry with him for breaking a relationship agreement. The day before his birthday. 

I see now that I’ve been vulnerable and an easy target. A friend pointed out that I have the guilt and shame a victim typically has after an event. I’m working to let that go, too. I’d like to scream this woman’s name from the rooftops, tag her on social media, let the world know she’s a sociopath who played on the emotions of the Hot Grieving MILF for reasons I can’t understand. Friends tell me she’s manipulated them as well, in what they see as a misguided effort to become part of our community. 

Our community is open and large and easy to enter. It isn’t often we find someone we don’t want there, and we aren’t always very skilled at handling that. We’ve made some big mistakes in the past. The longer we live and the more we experience, the better we get at turning away from unsafe people. Also, with everything that’s happened in this crazy election cycle, we are better at putting names to things. That friend high on ghb who threw me on the ground and had to get pulled off me by another friend while I screamed GET THE FUCK OFF ME? That wasn’t a simple party foul. That was sexual assault. 

This woman who held my hands two days ago and told me lies about intimacy with my dead boyfriend? That’s a sociopath, and I have been victimized. 

I’m feeling good. I’m naming her a sociopath and me a victim, and the clarity is really helpful. I’ve have released all my anger towards Rupert, and I’m letting myself off the hook for being vulnerable to her manipulation. I’m ready to pick back up in my interesting life of grad school, dating, many close friends who lean on me and let me lean on them, my two daughters, and everything else in my world. I learned from this experience that I still wear the Hot Grieving MILF title, but I also know that someday it will shed and fall away. I’m still in it, and I accept that. 

Lastly, if you know me personally and want to know her name, I’ll gladly share it in the interest of protecting my community from harm. 

November 6, 2016

I went to a wedding tonight. I’ve actually been to many events like this, where it’s not a legal, government sanctioned wedding. Where the bride and groom have shared bits of fabric so they have a piece of each other in the handmade outfits. Where the officiant is wearing a bunny onesie and there are a dozen or so colorful “klowns” in the audience, myself included. 

What happened to me there is a different story. This was a first. While running around dressed as a klown saying hi to my friends, many of whom I’ve known going on 20 years, a woman I recognized but couldn’t place or name said she had a lovely story to tell me about Rupert. My dead partner. I was triggered and said later, sure. A while later, she took me by the hands and sat me down. She faced me and held my hands as she talked. She talked about not fitting in with her camp at Tipsy, about how the group she landed with – mine and Rupert’s friends – was too full and she was there accidentally and couldn’t connect with anyone. (A friend who camped there said she wasn’t making an effort to connect and was totally boring). I was in Europe. Rupert arrived at Tipsy a couple days after she did, and he was kind and fed her. She had mdma and said she was looking for someone to take it with. He told her he would love to, but that he had a partner, me, Absinthia, and we had an agreement that they could kiss and snuggle but no more. She agreed, and they popped the pills. She curled up next to him in Ludwig, our van, and fell asleep. In the morning, they kissed a bit and then she left. 

We had no such agreement. He was way more monogamous than me, and this seems so out of character. He never mentioned it. Said the weekend was hot and a lot of work and was glad it was over. Had hoped for more time to chill and drink beer. 

Not that he lied to some random about an agreement he and I had. Nope, he sure never mentioned that at all. And who knows, maybe he would have? Maybe we’d have discussed it in person and worked through it. Maybe i would have called him a hypocrite and a liar and kicked his ass out. WHO KNOWS???? I never will because he’s been fucking dead for four months!

Tomorrow is his birthday and I’ve canceled the dinner party I had arranged. I can’t celebrate his birthday. Perhaps in time I’ll process this and forgive and forget and he’s dead anyway. Then I’ll move on from this update and feel the love i have for him. 

Right now I’m just pissed. 

October 23, 2016

I’m sitting in my car bawling my eyes out. 

I started my graduate MBA program today. Today and tomorrow are optional courses in financial statements and quantitative & economic skills. I am so impressed with the program. The prof was engaging, smart, confident, easy to follow, and encouraging. It was hard and I got through it, and I learned so much. Made synapses connect around financial statements that hadn’t before. Actually, today reminded me of our trip to Berlin, when our Australian expat guide spent four hours wandering hot and humid Berlin, explaining a history I’d heard but never fully understood. It was like finding the missing piece to a puzzle under the couch. 

Rupert was still alive when we were in Berlin. It completely and totally sucks and doesn’t make any sense why I can’t call him and tell him about my day. I just want to talk to him. Why can’t I just call him and have him answer? It’s Sunday, that was our day. Perfect Sunday, when we would spend most of the day together in bed, eventually eating salmon in some form or another, hot off my grill or on bagels or with eggs or a tortilla. That was even his wifi password – Perfect$unday. 

So now I’m exhausted from my travels and my 8 hour class. I’m lonely in an unfamiliar town, surrounded by strangers all day. I’m in my car crying, listening to music, and writing. In front of the house I’m staying in. Where there are altars and Buddha’s everywhere. Where I’m sure emotions are warmly welcome. 

I guess I should pick myself up and walk inside. I can’t stop these lonely tears from falling. 

September 16, 2016

Hot Grieving MILF is feeling better today (Okay, so I am still a wee bit uncomfortable with that name, but at the same time, it makes me smile. I’ve learned that when your friends give you a name, you gotta roll with it).

I took my housemate’s advice and started my day with positive affirmations. The one he suggested starting with is here. It really helped to ignore my incoming messages, texts, emails, etc., the night before and start my day with some hippie positive messages, spoken in a beautiful voice with a cool accent. I had been awake for about 90 minutes when I finally jumped in and checked out what was going on in my world. There were some challenging things to face, and I am glad I waited till I was awake and alert to tackle them.

With grief brain, everything seems hard. I was so happy a few months ago, and now I am just struggling with everything. I have let go of some of the unhealthy tools I used to cope with the grief. I am not drinking or smoking, in fact, I have lost eight pounds in three weeks simply by giving up all kinds of sugar. I am exercising again and my lungs don’t hurt. Today I took my first Pilates reformer class, something I have been thinking about doing for a long time. With life feeling like a giant uphill climb these days, the little bits of self care that I am doing are really making a difference.

This shit ain’t easy.