January 7, 2018

Men have forgotten how to date. It’s actually quite simple.

Men have forgotten how to date.

Two years ago, I thought I’d never have to date again. I was in love, it was easy, and it was right. We were planning our future together.

And then he died suddenly in a motorcycle accident on July 2, 2016.

I went on a wonderful date this weekend. We have friends in common, shared interests, and an obvious physical attraction to each other. He was a little distant at first. I couldn’t tell if he was nervous or what, so after the show, and after a quick bite & a cocktail, I asked if he wanted to walk from North Beach up to Coit Tower. He immediately loosened up, and we started connecting. And kissing. It was fun. He just needed to get into his body and out of his head. It’s why I like hiking with friends, too. It’s better connection time than dinner.

It’s now two nights later. I’ve heard nothing from the guy. After our date, we went to our separate homes and texted for another hour or so. I know I’ll hear from him again, I just don’t understand the crickets.

It’s hard to date. Okay, it sucks. I’ve had to actually say out loud that a requirement to dating me is that you have to ask me out on a date. Lots of guys show interest, but can’t say “Would you like to have dinner with me?” It’s shocking how hard this is. And I won’t do it for them.

So now I’ve found a great guy who can not only ask me out but plan a fun night and treat me well. He opened the door for me. He bought the tickets (then we shared dinner and I bought the drinks). It was clear he was happy with the kisses and didn’t expect anything more. He even waited till five minutes after I called my Lyft to call his.

He lives in anther state and went home the next day. And he has not said a word to me since our 4am texts!

Here’s what I would like; what I would do if I were the guy (I’d make a great boyfriend/date, but then that’s because I know what women want): text me to let me know you had a great time and are looking forward to seeing me again. Then wait till you are coming back to town and, with three days notice, ask me out.

Without that initial follow up, I start to think he isn’t interested. And with today’s ease of meeting people to date online, I’ve got just as many options as he does. Should he skip the follow up, I may think he’s not that interested and not reply to a date request in a few weeks. Because why waste my time if he’s not that into me?

The formula for the first date is pretty simple:

1. Ask her out. Make a plan!

2. Be polite, ask her questions about her life, show interest. Don’t expect more than yummy kisses.

3. Follow up within 24 hours with a brief message that you had a great time and are looking forward to the seeing her again.

4. Ask her out again three days before the date you want to see her.

5. Give it a few dates. You may know you can’t stand someone right away, but sometimes the magic takes a little while to gel.

We all have lots of options – online dating is like a video game – so don’t play it too cool or you just might destroy a good thing.

January 2, 2018

Wow, 2018. That’s a big number for someone born in 1970. I’ll turn 48 later this year.

It’s been 18 months to the day since Rupert died. I’ve spent the evening finishing up my goal setting workshop and starting The You-Nicorn 30 day coaching workshop. The goal setting was amazing, and I have a list of what I need to do this month in order to achieve my three month goals. I have goals listed out five years!

The 30 day coaching was harder. We had to write about something that felled us with the perspective of how it made us MOVE FORWARD. Of course I wrote about the death of my boyfriend. I wrote it fast because it is so painful. I wrote about him encouraging me to be Absinthia all the time, not just in some circles. I wrote about him raising the bar, causing me to be strong enough to walk away from my parents and from men that don’t deserve me. I wrote about how confident I am that I will find the partner I’m seeking. I will find love again.

And I wrote about how goddamn determined I am to achieve my goals. He didn’t live to turn 46. I did. I’m still here. And I’m alive and I’m going to make sure every day counts. His death felled me. Once I was able to stand up, I made sure that experience moved me forward. And I’m still moving. I’m still alive.

July 17, 2017

Hi. It’s been a while. 

It’s been over a year since I started this. Am I still the hot grieving MILF?

Of course I am. Somewhere in my heart, as long as it keeps beating, I always will be. 

Some days it feels like I’m fighting to stay off the antidepressants. 5htp, l-tryptophan, staying away from things like alcohol and too much indica. Some days it feels like that and a well of inner strength, source unknown, are the only way I can stay off the anti depressants. Keeping myself going at a breakneck pace with work and school and kids and dating. 

Not today. Today was a good day. 

I miss having a partner, one who doesn’t play games, who rolls with the punches. Mature, kind, understanding, and, just as importantly, whip smart and ridiculous amounts of fun. 
For now, the dating is okay. It’s entertaining me, and it’s filling some needs but not all needs. I’ve realized I’m 46 years old and terrified of commitment. Terrified they won’t be alive the next time I want to see them. I don’t trust life. I don’t particularly trust death, either. 

Truth is I enjoy it. I’m good at it, dating. Sometimes it blows up in my face. I keep one around too long, a month instead of leaving them behind at the conference, and they say:
“You’re bossy.”

Um, single mom, triple entrepreneur, MBA student. HA! Yeah, and?

Sometimes I am surprised one comes back for me, and I handle the first sign of bad behavior head on. I receive a sincere apology, and I hear:

“I can’t play with fire as hot as you and not listen.”

That’s one of the hottest things I’ve ever been told. I have a secret box with love letters, dirty notes on cocktail napkins, and cards that arrived with bouquets of flowers. I guess I’ll have to print this one off my phone. 

Sometimes I call an old friend with high status and ask for a favor and receive an enormous gift. One that opens doors and warms my heart immensely. 

My marketing presentation was very well received. My personal book project was given the green light tonight. 

I’m alive. I’m living. I’m on fire. 

June 21, 2017

A reason, a season, a lifetime, and the gift economy

Reason, Season, Lifetime. Anonymous

I met a man recently. No, not like that. Well, actually a little like that. Exactly like that. And this beautiful poem that first moved me years ago came to mind. Actually, it’s been on my mind for a while now. 
It’s coming up on single digits. The days till its been one year since Rupert died. He was both a reason and a season in my life. I think the two are similar, most are both and some are just one. He taught me so much about love and self worth. He raised the bar. And then instead of the future we were planning together, he died. 

The man I met earlier this week was a reason. We spent 15 hours together. We peeled back a few layers. There’s so many more that never will be. There’s no season for us, just the reason. 

He was stunning. Tall, lanky, strong face, charming smile, and twinkly dark grey-green eyes. A great conversationalist and a great listener. With a French accent and name to boot. 

I was the first person he’s ever met who’s been to Burning Man, which seems amazing for a world traveler from Montreal. But there it is. And he wanted to learn from me. I became his link to this thing, this event he’d heard of that he doesn’t know how to get to. “Just buy a ticket and get on a plane,” I told him. He replied with a big, sexy grin and repeated my words. 

I told him how I found Burning Man. “My undergrad is in photography, and I was a color darkroom printer.” 

“Useful job now,” he teased. 

“Ha! Yes, true. It was October 1994, and I was in San Francisco at a color darkroom rental facility. I’d moved from New York City nine months earlier.”

“That’s enough time for gestation,” he pointed out. I thought that was an interesting perspective and told him so. 

“A woman also using the darkrooms printed a picture of a man covered in mud on a giant desert. I introduced myself and said I would like her to take me to the next one. She laughed and the following August, 1995, she took me to my first Burning Man. I turned 25 at the event, and stayed an extra four days to help clean up because I couldn’t leave. I was home.”

I explained how hard it was to find your camp before there were roads, with 2,499 other people camped together and burning a beautiful wooden man at the end of the week. I described Pepe’s linghams and operas, and laughed while I described the embarrassing way I learned the meaning of the word lingham. We watched a video of the Temple of Wholyness burn over cocktails, and I described the somber quiet of that burn as compared to the frenzy of Burn Night. 

He listened to all if it, absorbing it, asking a question here and there. It was when I started talking about the gift economy that he stopped me. He had never heard of the concept and needed it explained. He needed examples. He really wanted to understand this aspect of the event. Of all the aspects of Burning Man that I described, it blew me away that what he latched on to was the gift economy. Later, because I wanted to gift him and because it felt like a great way to demonstrate he gift economy, I gifted him a key fob made by my dear friend Beveler. 


This man passing through town, dropping in to my life for a moment, gave me the opportunity to give a tremendous gift. I was able to teach someone who travels the world about the gift economy. In all his worldly travels, this was his first experience with it. Before this, he knew how to barter and buy. I am so grateful for the experience. I am so grateful that I was shown what a unique city I live in for a short time each year, but that I’ve been able to carry the economy of Black Rock City with me every day since I turned 25. 

Later that day, I saw my friend John Halcyon in a video he had made about the gift economy, and how important it is to avoid paying for labor at Burning Man. If you have to pay for it, scale it back, he said. An important message for all of us to remember. Because as I was shown earlier this week, the gift economy is a treasure worth fighting for. 

I love watching life for its lessons. It’s a hard place to live, this human existence in  21st century America. If you watch for it, though, the magic is there. The connections, the lessons, the synchronicity, the gifts. 

Who in your life is a reason, a season, or a lifetime?

April 17, 2017

A friend asked me to read this with her. Wow can we talk about mixed emotions here? I’m excited to grow and learn and gain wisdom from this highly recommended book, and yet the reason I’m single is because of a motorcycle accident. I know how to love deeply beyond “the Games of Seduction.” I had it and he died. 

I believe someday it will all make sense somehow. 

April 7, 2017

Previously, I’ve been devastated because he’s gone. Tonight, I’m devastated because I’m moving on.

It was supposed to be this faery book romance. Instead, I’m moving on. 

Rupert and Absinthia took us both by surprise. We were friend zoned when we were teenagers because I was dating one of his housemates. Flash forward 20 some odd years and a drunken hook up after the Dead reunion tour – our first Show together since ’89. We fell in love. And then he died. 

Nine months later, I find myself grieving again. It’s been building over the last week or two, I can see that. And here it is. Emo music, tequila, tears, and all. This wave is different though. I’m not devastated because he’s gone, I’m devastated because I’m moving on. I’m moving on and I’m starting to see that clearly. Knowing that makes me ache. Its breaking my heart. 

I’ve had three lovers since he died. Beautiful people, inside and out. They have been one right after the other, short term but, strangely, serial monogamy. Brief and intense. Just days between each. Sudden, intense connections with limited face to face interactions. Two long distance, the other a bridge between. The ends of each have lingered with tangled emotions, with one deliciously continuing on from afar. It’s like I’ve lived years in the last nine months. I feel myself moving on after Rupert, and it feels right and wrong and I don’t want to be but I am and I need to. I have to! It’s important. Rupert is dead. He crashed his motorcycle. He’s not coming back. It hurts to be getting over him. It hurts more then any things ever hurt in my life. And yet, I’m doing it. Three lovers. That counts as moving on. 

I would like to find a way to take something positive from this. I don’t want to be hardened and unable to allow myself to make a connection with another man. This lifetime is teaching me male loss. Why is there so much male loss in my life? I don’t know how much more I can handle before I rid myself of the lot of them. Men. Fucking assholes. Too bad I really, really love men. Tall little boys, taught to be serious and to win, with their easily awakened silly sides, unsure of women and themselves and arrogant and entitled all at once. Not to mention their smell…mmm. Sorry, where was I? Right. 

Throughout my life, I’ve experienced father  abandonment repeatedly, divorce (my choice so that seems really different), the deaths of Alexius Stephen Rupert. My two gay husbands and my lover. Partner. Boyfriend. Late boyfriend. Men I never wanted to say goodbye to. Is it a wonder why it’s so much easier to say I love you and feel love with my female friends? Do I hold men at a distance because of this? Have I? Am I now? Will I, in the future?
That’s not who I want to be, walking away from this tragedy. I am moving on. I can choose how I will be. 

I choose connection. I choose love. I’m not going to be rash, but I’m not going to hold back. I do it in an invisible way, the holding back. You can’t see it but you can feel it. I’ll be open, and I’ll listen so much better than I talk. 

That’s where my work begins.